What I Learned from the Indigenous Literary Studies Association Conference

 

Last week I travelled to Winnipeg to attend and present at the Indigenous Literary Studies Association's (ILSA)  annual conference. For those of you who don't know, I am currently completing a PhD in Indigenous Literatures, so joining this association was a no-brainer. While conferences are always a bit daunting, especially when attending as a student as opposed to a professor, I took away a lot of important stuff about reading and studying Indigenous Literatures. So I thought I'd share a few things about what went down! 

Something that really stood out to me was a statement made on my first night there by Dene and Métis poet and photographer Tenille Campbell. Campbell was asked a question about her opinions on graduate school and toxicity that can sometimes brew between students and teachers. She mentioned that in her Dene community, they do not see people as being "masters" of anything. That is to say, no matter how much education a person has on a subject, that does not mean that they are now the expert. Everyone is constantly learning something at their stage of life, and we all have something important to learn from each other. Her statement really resonated with me, because especially as a student, it can sometimes be daunting to challenge a professor or even just let your statement be heard. I was baffled that on the panel I presented in, I could see professors taking notes on what I was saying. I thought to myself: "you guys are the experts, what could you possibly have to learn from me?" So Campbell's words helped to destabilize some of the hierarchal things I have been taught in school, and made me feel more comfortable at the conference. I think her words could be applicable in a lot of situations too, outside of the classroom. 

Joshua Whitehead (Peguis First Nation) is a writer and poet who I have always admired. I've mentioned him a few times on this blog as well! He gave the keynote speech at the conference which I was super excited for. He mentioned that when he reads books from communities he is not a part of (such as books by Black authors), he always remembers that he is a guest to those pages. Just as I (as a settler scholar) am a guest to Indigenous Literatures, Whitehead invited us all to consider how viewing ourselves as guests to specific pieces of writing can help us to look at that writing with more respect. We can consider how the author is gifting us their writing, and so it is important that we treat that writing with respect. This could be by not judging if there is a cultural piece of information we do not understand, and instead conducting ethical research to learn more where appropriate. I thought his words were very profound, and a lot of people may benefit from looking at their reading through this worldview. 

I would say the most important thing I learned from listening to a bunch of different scholars speak is that community is super important. Fostering a dialogue between people from various backgrounds helps us to understand our differences a bit better and create bonds based on mutual respect and reciprocity. Moreover, understanding our relationship to land and natural resources is integral to treating the land with respect so that future generations have cleaner land to look forward to. When walking around the conference grounds, my friend and I came across a man who was tending to a fire to honour missing and murdered Indigenous women. He asked us if we would like to offer some tobacco to the fire and say a prayer. His careful instructions and our listening allowed us to respectfully participate in a practice of giving something to the fire and reflecting on how we can be good allies by supporting this incredibly important cause. This was definitely one of the most important parts of my trip and will be something that I'll remember forever. 

Overall, my few days in Winnipeg were met with a lot of important opportunities. From learning about different nations, viewing traditional dance and art pieces, and overall being able to engage with scholars I've admired for a long time, each moment was a period of profound reflection. While I do have travel anxiety and was iffy about attending in the first place, I am happy that I pushed myself to embark on this experience. I ultimately think it made me a better student and overall a better human too. 

Do you read Indigenous Literatures? Have you ever attended a presentation that stuck out to you? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: Weak Knees

CW: discussions of panic attacks, OCD and self-doubt while recovering from mental illness

Today (or at least on the day I am writing this post), I had therapy. I see a therapist who specializes in OCD treatment, and I have gained so much from meeting with her. While it does seem like we have something new to talk about each session, I find myself always finding new ways to cope with my intrusive thoughts and compulsions, and she finds me ways to not seek reassurance for my thoughts and to think a bit more independently. In today's session, she said something that really stuck with me, and so I thought I would share. 

When discussing one of my obsessions and compulsions, I lamented how it seems as if every time I get an intrusive thought, I am back to square one and I feel as if I will never be able to recover. My therapist responded with a quote that she had learned from another therapist, whose name escaped me in session, but she told me the quote is: "weak knees will still carry you across the room." 

I had a chance to ponder this quotation for a bit, and I actually get a bit emotional thinking about it now. So many times when I am in a bad intrusive thoughts spell, or having a bad panic attack, I think that there is no possible way I can be able to pick myself back up and recover. But the funny thing is, every time I have been in that situation, I have always recovered. There have been times I have had to go to school during a panic attack because I couldn't miss the class. And although I am very uncomfortable at the beginning, my panic subsides after a while and I am able to listen in my classes. There have been times where I felt like I should just throw in the towel on an event, and not go because I think it'll just be too stressful for me. But then I do end up going and have a good time. My mind goes into this cycle of always thinking that there is no way out of the panic, but my weak knees always find a way to carry me across the room. 

I liked that quote because it doesn't insinuate that everyone should just suck it up because we are stronger than our panic. The "weak knees" implies the acknowledgement of the disease, whether that be OCD, panic disorder, or something else. But it also encourages me personally to take things one step at a time, not try to fight the panic but instead try to simply float to the other side of the room; and soon, things will get better. I think this is a good way of thinking about recovery after a bad bought of mental illness, and is something that I hope I will continue to implement moving forward. 

When it comes to my own personal therapy journey, I have not always been a big fan of inspirational quotes, meditation seminars, etc. But this simple quote did influence the way I look at my OCD and anxiety, and offered me a bit of hope during a tough time. I figured if this could help someone else, it is worth sharing. 

I know that everyone copes with their mental illness in a different way. What may be helpful for one person may be a hinderance to another. I would never preach a certain way of treatment onto someone. However, if you like this quote, then I am glad to have shared it. And if anyone can trace down the origin for me; if not I will ask my therapist next session, I would appreciate it! I hope anyone else who currently has "weak knees" will make it across the room :) 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Writing Woes: Writer's Block, Rambling, and Self-Doubt

CW: this post will discuss low self-esteem and self-doubt 

Most of the writing I do nowadays is writing research papers. I'm just living that student life. But, I do love writing them. I enjoy reading theory and looking at articles that can help support my argument. It feels good to add your opinions to a growing conversation in an academic field. However, what I often don't realize is how writer's block can affect me while writing research papers just as much as it affects people writing creative fiction or non-fiction. And boy is it hitting me hard right now :( 

I'm currently writing a paper that I'm presenting at a conference at the end of the month. The paper is part of a panel on navigating the Canadian publishing industry, and I am focusing it in my research interest of Indigenous Literatures. I am centring my paper around an article by Eve Tuck, which argues that marginalized people are historically stereotyped as victims or perpetrators in media. I connect these stereotypes to the same type of stereotyping that occurs within the publishing industry as a whole. Writing the proposal for my paper was very easy, and the wheels really started turning. However, ever since my paper got accepted, I've been at a standstill as to how to go about writing it. I just feel as if my ideas aren't strong enough to support a paper, and my thoughts are running thin. I'm concerned that this paper's idea will not come across accurately when presenting it. I'm concerned about being a failure. 

This is the first research paper I've written in some time, as I took some time off of school to be a teaching assistant. So, I was doing the marking as opposed to having my own work critiqued. Now I feel a bit out of practice. I think it's just taken me a while to get back into the swing of writing and organize my ideas as affectively as I used to. I had confidence that writing would come back to me rather quickly, but now that confidence has all but diminished as I wonder where the hell this paper is even going. I know papers can deviate from their proposals, but now I feel as if my paper is straying too far away from the message. Idk, I'm very stressed. 

I'm well aware that low self-esteem and self-doubt play a huge part of this. In academia and in the publishing world there is definitely a shared feeling of imposter syndrome, that everyone is smarter than me and my ideas just aren't strong enough. I've received positive feedback on my writing in the past, but that isn't enough to think that one day will be the day that I fail, that I embarrass myself in front of colleagues and I don't have my work taken seriously. But the thing is, I KNOW these feelings aren't exclusive just to me, and that countless other students (and folks from other fields) experience the exact same thing. However, that doesn't necessarily help the feelings of isolation. It's easy to think of yourself as alone in these instances. 

Often in these moments I invite myself to think of the worst case scenario. The worst case scenario in this case is that I don't even have a finished paper to present. That cannot happen as I already have words on paper. However good these words are? Well I'm not exactly sure just yet. But, I need to keep reminding myself that even if things go awry, the world will keep turning. I will cope, simply because I have to. I will keep going with my degree because I want to. My degree is not riding on this paper going well, and it is possible for me to pick myself up if it goes wrong and try to do better the next time. It sucks feeling like you're not good enough. But, like writer's block, this too shall pass. 

Have you ever had feelings of self-doubt? Any tips on helping my slump? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: "Performative" Reading: When Reading Books by Marginalized People Became Popular

CW: this post will discuss the murder of George Floyd, the discovery of unmarked graves in Kamloops, B.C., residential schools, and anti-Black racism 

On my social media feed, I never saw more people reading books written by Black people than in the first few weeks after the murder of George Floyd. Suddenly, my timeline was flooded with people reading THUG by: Angie Thomas, Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race by: Reni Eddo-Lodge, and So You Want to Talk About Race by: Ijeoma Oluo. I too joined the cause to read more books by Black authors, and even books written by other marginalized groups, as I recognized that Indigenous folks in Canada face similar prejudices. But, after a few weeks passed, action on social media seemed to quiet down, and some Black creators began commenting about how the fight needs to continue way beyond when a Black person is murdered. 

I can't remember the exact video they said this, but I remember when Jesse @ Bowties and Books asked poignantly why a Black man had to die for people to start reading books written by Black people. I thought they really put into words the culture of social activism that occurs when something terrible happens, when everyone wants to get involved, but how the activism doesn't always continue past the tragedy. This quote also allowed me to consider when I read books by marginalized authors, but more specifically, what books by marginalized authors I read. Yes, it's important to educate oneself about the trauma that marginalized folks face, but it is also crucial to integrate books of marginalized folks experiencing joy. We need to see marginalized individuals beyond the stereotypes of "victims and perpetuators" (which Eve Tuck so eloquently puts in her article: "Suspending Damage," link below!) 

So, why I am I bringing up this conversation in 2023? Because earlier this week, I had the privilege of attending a talk with Leanne Betasamosake Simpson, who is a Mississauga Nishnaabeg writer, and Robyn Maynard, who is a Black Canadian writer. One person in the conversation asked the two writers about allyship, which prompted me to ask them how they felt about the performative activism regarding reading that occured in 2020 and even in 2021 after the discovery of unmarked graves near a former residential school in B.C. I wanted to get their opinions on this very polarizing and complicated discussion, as it has been something I have been pondering over the years. Is all reading for activism good, even if it is performative? When does reading for activism become performative? Is it when Indigo puts out a table in their stores during Pride Month to celebrate LGBTQ+ voices? Is that enough? 

Robyn Maynard answered first, and she said something that really opened my eyes. She started off her statement by saying that she had a "controversial" opinion on the subject, which is that she doesn't really care how non-Black individuals consume Black abolitionist content, as long as they are doing so. She said that if someone thinks that reading books on abolition is "cool" then who is she to stop them? She did consider that continuity is a problem, so if someone is not consuming Black-led content on a regular basis, then we can look critically on that, but overall, she sees any reading of Black books to be a good thing, regardless of intention. 

Maynard's comments allowed me to think about performative reading and how BIPOC writers and readers may have a diversity of opinions on the subject. I think I had limited myself to the viewpoint that if someone is really only reading activist books for the "hype," then they are not contributing to activism as a whole. But Maynard really helped me to see the chain reaction that occurs once someone reads a book. They may like it, they may post about it on social media, and that inspires other people to pick up the book. Yes, hype may be a factor in this reading, but if someone does take something away from the book, then something was gained from the hype. Continuity is something that needs to be addressed, but at its core, performative reading may help to gain more readership in a positive way. 

Leanne Betasamosake Simpson expanded on Robyn's comments by noting how social media activism played a role in the Idle No More movement. Overall, both of these scholars note that we can often critique performative activism and reading for its intention, but there is also major positives to be gained when someone shares and posts these texts. This conversation helped me to recognize that I need to look at different perspectives on this subject because I think I put my opinion in a box and just looked at the critiques, while I failed to listen to BIPOC authors who suggested other viewpoints. 

Overall, all of this is just to say that yes, performative activism and performative reading should be critiqued when continuity comes into question. Also, it is completely valid for BIPOC folks to be angry when books become hyped only at the time of trauma. I think this problem reflects widely on capitalism capitalizing on when things go viral on social media. However, it is also important to see the positives in privileged folks consuming activist content, and perhaps we can trick the system so that capitalism ultimately becomes a way to get more of these books into the hands of people who need to learn from them. This talk inspired me to listen to different viewpoints and understand that not all BIPOC artists will have the same opinion on a subject, and that's okay! Learning involves diversity, and sometimes a question doesn't have just one answer. In this case, I think Maynard and Betasamosake Simpson answered my question quite well. 

What do you think about performative activism/reading? Have you ever put your opinion into a box and failed to see differing perspectives? 

Eve Tuck's article: Suspending Damage 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: Finding "Perfect" Romances

Romance is one of my favourite genres. I used to love YA contemporaries, and that love as I got older quickly evolved into liking new adult and adult romances. I love romances that are fluffy, light-hearted, but also with a relationship that seems realistic, one that I can root for. 

My favourite romances to date have all been written by Helen Hoang, and that is her Kiss Quotient series. The three books in that trilogy have the perfect amount of light-hearted humour, some seriousness in the stakes of the relationship, and a healthy, slow-burn romance that develops over time. They also have sex-positivity, which is a major important element in my opinion as a lot of romances can portray toxic sexual relationships and therefore reinforce an unhealthy representation of sex. My problem now is, that I have yet to find a romance that matches Helen Hoang's writing. All romance recommendations that I see on Booktok currently have been really spicy erotica, which isn't personally my thing, or Colleen Hoover books. I don't want to turn this post into my problems with Colleen Hoover, but I'll just say that her writing is not my thing, and I don't think she portrays relationships in the healthiest of ways. I will scan through blogs, book twitter, and bookstagram as well for romance recommendations, but those books haven't necessarily given me what I'm looking for either. Which leads me to wonder: am I being too picky with my romances? Will anything ever top The Kiss Quotient? Is Helen Hoang's writing just an anomaly? I now write this post to plead for someone to give me the romance recommendations I need. 

The Kiss Quotient and its accompaniments were so special because they weren't just romances, but they were also big on representation of a number of marginalized groups. All of the books have East Asian representation, as well as very accurate autism representation. Helen Hoang is very vocal about her autism, and so she seeks to portray various characters on the autism spectrum throughout her books. So, what we get in her books are really unique representations of autistic characters who navigate sex and relationships in ways that don't overstimulate them or make them meltdown. These are characters that I don't think I would ever get to read about in any other romance book, and that's what makes her books stand in categories all on their own. 

In my quest to find books like the Kiss Quotient, I often look for romances that have representation of some kind, especially representation of non-white characters. And these books are okay, albeit not my favourites. I have enjoyed in the past the Chloe Brown series by Talia Hibbert, but I don't necessarily find myself as engrossed in these books as I was with Hoang's books, for reasons I still am unsure of. There's just something about Hoang's books that are the perfect melting pot of what makes a good romance: the right balance of spice, fluffiness, serious elements, realistic characters, awkwardness, and diversity. I think the trouble I'm running into is that while I have uplifted Hoang's books as the pinnacle of romance, I keep comparing every romance I read afterwards to them. Perhaps, I am not letting these books exist on their own as I keep searching for that "perfect" romance book. 

I went to twitter a few days ago to say that I don't think any romance book will ever top Hoang's books for me. While I don't necessarily want to proven wrong, I need new romance recommendations that have the same vibe as The Kiss Quotient and won't make me want to throw the book against a wall. Or maybe, they can make me throw the book against a wall in a good way? Anyways, if you've read The Kiss Quotient and books like it, please send me all the recommendations you have. I am trying to find "perfect" romances here, or at least, what's perfect in my eyes, and it's proving to be a difficult task. 

Do you have books you consider to be "perfect?" Do you like Helen Hoang's books? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: Changing Your Mind Is Ok

If you've read my past few month in review posts you'll know that I've been job searching with little to no success. I decided very early on into my masters degree that I didn't want to pursue a PhD like some of my peers. I firmly stated that I was done with school, that stepping foot into a university again would not be for me, and that I wanted to go right into the job market. I knew finding a job would be difficult, but I stayed determined and found contacts despite nothing really going through. 

Then, I was having a conversation with a few colleagues and some old professors, who were casually mentioning how great it is to be an academic, as you get to keep learning. I began pondering how I had so many unanswered questions from my major research paper for my MA, questions that had to be reduced to footnotes because they just simply couldn't be answered in a paper of forty pages. I began to consider how I had left my paper hanging, that I wouldn't get the chance to revisit it again should I choose to head into the job market so soon. It felt silly to let that learning side of me fall away so quickly. So, I changed my mind. I want to get a PhD. 

I told some friends at first who are currently doing their PhD's and they were extremely supportive. They gave me resources and helped me narrow things down to a few schools that would suit my project best. I met with professors at schools I was interested in and established contacts. Everyone at the schools I'm applying to have been so nice and supportive, and while I didn't really feel confident that I would be able to get a position in the job market, I feel confident that I can do a PhD. And that feels great. 

When I went to talk with an old colleague about my recent future shift, they sarcastically stated how indecisive I am. I was a bit offended, as I had gone to them for help and they immediately started judging my character based on the fact that it takes me a little bit longer to firmly decide what I want to do. I was like this when choosing to do a masters degree as well. I didn't think I wanted to pursue a masters, but after some suggestions by a few professors I jumped into the opportunity, perhaps a little bit later than some of my other friends who knew off the bat that they wanted to continue learning, and I ended up being very successful in the MA program. While it may take me a little bit longer to decide things, I can firmly say that I have never regretted a decision I made on my future after it was finally made. 

I think people forget that indecisiveness and changing your mind is often a symptom of mental illnesses. With my OCD and intrusive thoughts, I tend to overthink every decision before it is set in stone, worrying about every possible outcome and every pro and con. Something that I am constantly working on in therapy is the idea of accepting uncertainty, that I may not be certain about the outcome of every decision I make, but accepting that uncertainty will help me make decisions faster and focus less on the worrying. The point is, I don't need people besides my therapist pointing out how indecisive I am. I know this, and I'm working on it. I need them to know that even if I don't have a decision made before I've even finished what I was previously doing, that doesn't make me any less of a smart person, any less of a successful person, or a person undeserving of new opportunities. It just means that I need a little bit of extra time to come to those conclusions, and I am aware of this extra time I need and will adjust myself accordingly. 

I haven't yet submitted my PhD applications as they are due in the new year, but I know that whatever the outcomes of the applications will be, I want to continue to apply to PhD programs until I get in. I feel happy to stick with this decision. I'm here to tell y'all that changing your mind on anything in your future is ok. It is not worth sticking with a decision that makes you unhappy simply because you are embarrassed of how you'll be perceived if you decide on something else. If you're not confident in your decision, then the final decision hasn't been made yet. This post goes out to my fellow folks who just need a little extra time. Take your time on making that decision, and you'll find yourself much more successful in the long run. 

Are you indecisive? Have you ever changed your mind on an important life path? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: Burning Out

 CW: this post will discuss panic attacks and anxiety 

Last week, I was burnt out. I worked eight days in a row, after having to pick up a few extra shifts due to other coworkers calling in sick and my manager needing the extra help. I didn't at all mind helping out my manager. She was in a tough position and the scheduling conflicts were outside of her control. However, in my inability to say "no" to anything, I ended up taking on a lot more then I could handle and paid the price for it. This is me pondering burn out culture, and the problems when you just can't say no in a workplace. 

If you noticed, I was very inconsistent with posting on the blog for the past two weeks. This is because I simply had no extra time to write. If I wasn't sleeping, I was at my workplace, which is supposed to be a part-time job but very quickly turned into full-time because of said unforeseen scheduling conflicts. I felt awful for my manager because I could tell that she very clearly didn't want to ask me to take on extra work, but with other coworkers heading back to school and other folks on vacation, she simply didn't have a choice. But, this is me saying that two things can exist at the same time. I can feel bad for my manager and appreciate that she didn't want to ask me to take on extra work, but I am also allowed to reflect on how real I burnt out and take actions to ensure that it does not happen again. 

Most folks with social anxiety, or any other anxiety may feel the need to people-please. They may think that they just can't say no to anyone asking for help, even if they're so stressed that their help may even just be a hinderance. I definitely fall into this category. Now don't get me wrong, if anyone needed my help with a serious, life-altering issue, I would put aside whatever I was doing and jump right in. However, with smaller things, like picking up extra shifts, sometimes I find the need to just say yes to everything, that I end up neglecting other important things in my life. That is exactly what happened this time. I couldn't say no to anything, so I ended up neglecting other obligations, like driving my sister to appointments she needed to go to, or failing to get the ball rolling on some applications and projects that I needed to get done. I was so focused on pleasing one aspect of my life, that being my work, that I forgot that life requires a balance, an equal weighting of all important things in life. 

By day eight, I almost sent myself into a panic attack. I was so tired, as my work involves a lot of physical and emotional energy. Working in customer service, you do need to be "on" all the time. You can never show any ounce of being tired, or like you don't want to be where you are. However, this can be extremely draining on a person. I didn't feel like myself after a while. Instead, I felt like a customer service robot, who went to sleep every night and woke up every morning ready to keep sales goals up and maintain a sugary-sweet voice. At night when I went home, I still felt like I had to be working. For reference, after every hour when I'm at work, we have to track where the store's sales for the day are currently at in a little chart. When I came home, after every hour, my brain would automatically go to: "I gotta put the information into the chart!" That doesn't seem like a very healthy way to live. 

In the future, I really need to work on being honest with the people around me and letting them know when things are just a bit too much. It was just as easy for me to say: "manager, I understand you really need my help, but I do have other appointments today, so would it be possible for me to do a four hour shift instead of an eight hour shift?" In any sort of environment, compromise is incredibly important, so that all parties are on the same page and so that nobody is taking on more than they can handle. I'm confident that my manager would have said yes, as she would have understood that I was taking on a lot more than in an average week. But, I didn't even ask, because I felt like I couldn't. I just had to say yes, and that is not the way to live. 

Some of you may know that I am looking for full-time positions at the moment. In my future jobs, and even in my job now, I'm going to make every effort to be a hard worker, without compromising my mental health. I'll be a team player, but I'll be honest with my team when things get too tough. I will ask for help when needed. I have learned a difficult lesson that being a hard worker and team player doesn't mean taking on everything by yourself. It's about working with the people around you to make sure that everyone is comfortable and has both the workplace and their own health as top priorities. Burning out is not something to be proud of, and I hope it never happens to me again. 

Have you ever been burnt out? Do you feel like you can't say no to people? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: Reading Books With Bad Characters

Recently I was watching a Booktube video from Jesse @ Bowties and Books where they discussed all of the authors that they'd never read from again. One of the authors they mentioned was Donna Tartt, an author who I also very much dislike due to her problematic characters and extremely racist writing. I commented that I agreed with Jesse because Tartt tends to write really evil characters with no moral compasses, and another commenter asked me if I tend to stay away from any books with a lot of evil characters. The comment really got me thinking about how I approach books where most of the characters have little to no moral compasses, and I realized that my response would be better suited as a discussion post, haha! So, here is a longer response to what was a really thought-provoking comment that got me thinking about my own reading, as well as me echoing some great points that Jesse made in their video about Tartt. 

For context, here's what I replied to the commenter (who I'll clarify, was lovely and just asking a genuine question, there was no fighting in this comment section, lol): 

I have no problem reading books with morally grey/bad characters, but when the characters use racial slurs/commit absolutely horrible acts with no commentary whatsoever about why their actions advance some sort of message about the plot or develop their characters, then I have a problem with it, which is something I noticed in The Secret History. 

I'll also start off by saying that in the context of this post, when I refer to "evil" characters, I'm not talking about stereotypical villains in fantasy or action books, it's pretty clear in those books that there is a line between good and evil. I'm also not talking about villains who sometimes have a good side, for example someone like Loki. Instead, I'm talking about books in which all or most of the characters commit inexcusable, heinous acts, most of them being bigoted in nature, and especially characters who use hate speech. 

The Secret History is the book by Tartt that I referenced in relation to my comment on Jesse's video, though they mostly discussed all of the problems with The Goldfinch in their video. Still, most issues with The Goldfinch are linked with the issues in The Secret History. You might've read my rant review post about The Secret History, as well as the countless other posts I've made about my problems with dark academia, so I'm not necessarily going to restate those opinions again. What I will say, however, is that I have noticed that I have a serious problem with characters who are just horrible people for the sake of being horrible people, especially when it comes to matters such as race. 

A white author like Tartt needs to be very careful with how she portrays racist characters, so that she is highlighting that the racism is the problem here, and that this character is very much in the wrong. But the thing with Tartt, is that it almost reads like she gets joy out of writing characters who are just utterly racist. She throws around the n-word in her writing like she needs to meet a quota, and oftentimes the characters who use the n-word are doing so in a context which is supposed to be read as comical, but instead is just utterly wrong. Tartt writes these characters like we're just supposed to go: "oh that's just how so and so talks," "that's just a part of their character," "that's what makes them so funny, how socially unaware they are." But the truth is, this language doesn't advance any of the characters' arcs, it doesn't tell me anything new about the characters that is important for me to know. It just seems like Tartt wants to get a free pass at using the n-word so she uses it under the guise that the characters saying it are just naturally bad people. But there is nothing to gain by portraying such racism in a character. 

I saw a lot of these issues in Bunny, one of the main characters in The Secret History, who is probably one of the worst characters I've ever read. Not only is he racist, but he is also extremely homophobic, transphobic, and commits very heinous acts alongside the other main characters. While some reviewers have pointed out his bigotry, ultimately I have found a lot of his issues to be glossed over by positive reviews of the book, as people instead excuse his actions and the actions of the other characters because "it's dark academia, all of the characters are supposed to be bad." But the truth is, if characters are "supposed" to have questionable moral compasses, then shouldn't the reasoning behind why they have such horrible personalities be clear to me as a reader?

 In my opinion, there is never an excuse for a white author to use the n-word in their writing, or for a straight or cis-gendered author to use homophobic or transphobic language. Now I'll make it clear that as far as I know, Tartt has never stated her sexuality or gender identity, so I'm not assuming she is straight or cis-gendered, but the point remains: I have a problem with authors not part of a specific group using slurs against that specific group in their characters. This may not be everyone's opinion, but it personally makes me uncomfortable, and I think there are other ways to show that a character is a bad person without using hate speech, and I often find that Tartt goes down this route. 

I suppose I do find myself more critical of books where all of the main characters are bad, because I wonder why the author made those choices and especially I find it difficult to separate what the characters did and my unbiased opinions on the characters. In particular, I need to look at if the author handles bad characters with sensitivity, or if they are more going for shock value and excuses to use slurs. I do have a problem with authors being really gorey or triggering with their themes when there doesn't seem to be a need for such gore or triggers, and a lot of this stems from the actions of the characters as well. If a character needs to be evil, then by all means, make them evil. But I wish that more writers, particularly writers of privileged groups, would pay more attention to sensitivity when writing evil characters. If fans of their books are ignoring problematic characters and saying that they love such characters, then that may be an indication that the author hasn't done enough to show that the actions of said bad character are condemnable. 

All of this is to say, if I'm going to read a book with really evil main characters in it, then the reasoning for why the characters are the way that they are must be clear to me. I personally don't want to go through the process of reading a book with some really awful content just for the hell of it. I understand that this may not be everyone's preference, as everyone's got different reading opinions. But this is just where my head's at when it comes to reading about bad characters! I'd be curious to know how other people approach evil/bigoted characters in books. Do you tend to stay away, or are you able to separate your personal values from the characters? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: Why I AM A Fan of Fan-Fiction

 A long, long time ago, in 2016, teenaged Emily wrote a blog post talking about how she didn't like fan-fiction. I don't know who hurt her at the time, but she wrote about how she didn't like it when writers continued with stories that were already finished and created alternate endings. Now in 2022, adult Emily has realized the errors of her ways and has now decided to revisit this topic and explain to you all why she IS a fan of fan-fiction. Ok, now it's time to stop writing in the third person. 

I credit Cee Arr @ Dora Reads and her Friday Fics Fix posts for getting me into this genre of writing. Every Friday, Cee posts a fan-fiction recommendation from a variety of fandoms. I mostly like the ones from the MCU, as it is one of the main fandoms that I am a part of and I love it when the writers put unconventional characters together, like for example, Tony Stark and Loki, which I had no idea before reading Cee's posts were a fan-fiction couple but I wholeheartedly support it. There is so much creativity in the fan-fiction world, and in a universe like the MCU that often falls into conventional tropes and predictable couples, this creativity is so needed. 

The problem with my previous post is that I categorized all fan-fiction under fan-fiction written about real people, like One Direction fan-fiction. However, this type of fan-fiction tends to be a bit cheesier, and if I'm being honest, a bit creepy, because folks are attempting to create a fictional life based on real people with very public lives. I don't want to shame anyone for consuming or writing that kind of content, but it definitely is not for me. However, those same limits do not exist for fictional characters. Steve Rogers doesn't really care if we write him to be in a romantic relationship with Bucky, because he doesn't exist. So, fan-fiction writers who write about fictional characters are able to build upon the unique characters and settings from these fictional worlds and put their own spin on it. These kinds of stories are able to dive deeper into characters who may not have been fully developed in canonical content, or who may have not been treated right by their canonical texts. Fan-fiction writers have the ability to redeem characters, to give them the love stories or friendships that they deserve. And to be honest, I find that kind of beautiful. 

Fan-fiction has given me the ability to revisit new stories about beloved characters, even when their canonical texts have decided that their stories are finished. I may never get a Falcon and the Winter Soldier season two, but I can continue to consume new content about Bucky and Sam to keep that world alive, and that makes me so happy! I can also read fan-fiction to keep me busy in-between seasons of a show, such as What We Do In the Shadows and The Umbrella Academy. Fan-fiction keeps worlds alive when the canon has halted them. I find that so cool. 

Lastly, as a creative writer myself, I cannot deny the opportunities that fan-fiction gives aspiring writers. While it may be incredibly difficult to get published with a major publishing house right away, posting on fan-fiction sites allows writers to have an outlet to get their creativity out, communicate with fellow writers, and even workshop their works and receive feedback. Creative writing classes and workshops are not accessible to everyone, and yet, we can do it for free and from the comfort of our own homes through fan-fiction sites. Whether these stories get published or not, they help to build a community of writers, young and old, who all appreciate the same thing. 

Overall, sixteen year-old Emily didn't know what she was talking about. Then again, she was sixteen, so we can cut her a bit of slack, but she's glad that she changed her mind about fan-fiction. I am so happy to be a part of this vibrant, diverse and unique community. And you should be too. 

Do you read fan-fiction? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: When You Stand Up For Something You Believe In, But It Doesn't Turn Out Right

Last weekend, I was in a position where I tried to do something with good intentions, but everything went awry. For the sake of this being in the blogosphere, I'm going to keep most details about the situation vague, but for all intents and purposes, I was having a conversation with someone in my personal life, and they said something offensive. They didn't find anything wrong with what they said, but I immediately reacted defensively. I got angry with them, and shockingly stated: "don't say that word." The person was taken aback, we got into an awkward squabble, and the physical conversation was never really resolved. 

In the following days, we communicated digitally in which they apologized, but also expressed concern with how I went about correcting them. The truth is, during the conversation, I was shocked that I immediately reacted with anger to the person. The word from them just kinda slipped out, but I immediately put them on blast and may have potentially embarrassed them. I apologized for my delivery, they apologized for their offensive statement, and I think (or at least hope) that things will go back to normal. The problem is, that after the situation, I immediately regretted how I spoke to the person. Even though what they said was not nice and needed to be addressed, the shock of what they said just immediately took me aback that the only thing I thought of doing was reacting in anger. The whole situation just reminded me about how while it is important to call out offensive language when you hear it, the delivery is equally important so that everyone understands the level of respect that goes into having a difficult conversation such as these. 

I failed to take into account that this person slipped up and said something offensive, but that their mistake does not make them a horrible person. I didn't think before I considered what would be the best way to tell this person that what they said was not okay, and my response potentially made the situation worse. We ended up arguing about it for some time, and I think both parties were just mentally exhausted afterwards. While we did reconcile, I think the overthinking side of me wanted to ruminate about my delivery and all of the other ways I could have approached the situation. I ended up regretting that I said anything at all. My OCD was telling me that it would have been better to just not say anything and let the person continue thinking that such language is okay, rather than just finding another way to approach the situation. I began considering if I was in the wrong, if this person has every right to feel angry with me because of how I put them on blast. I did do something wrong. I reacted immediately in anger and that was not the most affective way to handle the situation. On the same level, the other person did something wrong in saying something offensive. We both made mistakes, and because we both apologized for them, I am fairly confident that we will be able to move forward, my OCD aside. 

I knew I wanted to chat to the blog about this because this whole conversation just got me thinking about how nobody really prepares you for calling out something offensive, until you actually do it. It could very much be a trial and error process. My first time calling someone out went bad, with the person feeling embarrassed and both of us having to apologize for equal wrongdoing. After the incident, I googled some insight into what I could've done better to handle the situation. Things like bringing up sources, or going to a more secluded area rather than stating it in public, are all helpful tools that I now know for the next time I may be in this situation. While I had every intention of simply telling this person that their language was not okay, it did not turn out right at all. The results were uncomfortable. However, at the same time, I feel like I needed this learning process in order to analyze how I can keep my emotions in check and ensure that the intentions behind my conversations are good. 

This rambling post is all just to say that standing up for something you believe in, like calling out offensive language, is hard. It can be difficult to find the right thing to say in the situation, so folks react in anger like I did. This whole process was a learning curve for me. Just as this person made a mistake, I did too, and a mutual apology was needed in this case. Was it uncomfortable to apologize? Yes, because I think sometimes we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect people who never mess up. I know I do. But, this situation gave me a lot of good practice, and good exposure to the idea that people of all walks of life make mistakes. The apology is the first step, but going forward, everyone needs to make sure that they are doing their part to make the world a more respectful place. 

Have you ever been in a situation in which you tried to do something right, and it all went wrong? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: How Do You Read Comics/Graphic Novels?

In the spirit of my superhero course and all the graphic novels and comics I have been reading recently, I wanted to talk a bit about my reading practices. Something that I've observed when I read comics or graphic novels is that I always pay attention to the text first, as opposed to art. I find this detail interesting, because the main component of graphic fiction is that there are graphics attached to the text. If anything, the text is not intended to be the focal point of where your eye goes, as the art is much bigger, much brighter, and would typically catch someone's attention. So I wonder, why is it that when I read graphic fiction, my eyes immediately go to the text? Why is it that sometimes, I forget that there's art at all? 

I want to make clear that I love graphic fiction dearly. I read graphic fiction because I find that it's really easy for me to absorb and be entertained by, and usually I pick graphic fiction that aligns with my interests such as Marvel or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So, just because I don't tend to focus on the graphics, doesn't mean that I hate the genre. I think it just means that I read the genre in a different way than other people might. I can't exactly say why my eye immediately goes to the speech bubbles before the art, other then maybe conclude that it has to do with what I'm used to. I only got into graphic fiction within the past couple of years, but I've loved fiction books for years. So perhaps, I gravitate towards the words in a graphic novel because I was trained to look at words before I look at pictures. Or, perhaps this all says something more about learning practices. 

I was telling a seminar that I teach that when they plan out their essays for the course, they should use whatever methods they learn best in to help them. So if they're a visual learner, they should draw out a mind map. If they're an oral learner, they should speak their essay out loud and record themselves. If they learn best by reading, they should just start writing. I align myself most with reading, as sometimes graphics don't allow me to grasp what I'm supposed to understand, and orality doesn't engage me. So I wonder if the way I learn best has allowed for me to almost gloss over the graphics in a comic book and instead trust the text to tell me all that I need to know about the story, because I'm confident that the text will carry me through. Now, this isn't always the case, as graphic fiction relies heavily on the graphics. Since the text is not really the focal point of the comic, there isn't always enough description in the text to build the world of the story. The pictures do crucial work in establishing setting, that the text cannot always do. However, no matter what, I will always see the text first. It's just an odd way of how my brain works. 

Usually how I read graphic fiction is by reading all of the text, and then going back and looking at the pictures. I know that may sound really odd, but nothing about how I read makes sense to me either. But either way, I do think this opens up an interesting conversation about learning methods and how people practice the great art of reading. However you read graphic fiction, it is a valuable genre, and I'd love to know more about how you approach it. 

How do you read graphic fiction? What kind of learner are you? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess 

Paperback's Pondering's: On Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Abuses of Power

 

CW: this post will discuss the various abuses committed by Joss Whedon, as well as addiction issues, and will also include major spoilers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. 

I mentioned in my life update from two weeks ago that I am currently back on a Buffy the Vampire Slayer kick. Right now I'm watching Angel, the spin-off series about Buffy's former vampire love interest who makes his way to Los Angeles to help victims of magical crimes. Angel teams up with Cordelia, the "mean-girl," from Buffy, and the two go through some amazing character development, with Angel redeeming himself from years of past crimes, and Cordelia becoming a more empathetic and independent individual. Cordelia, played by Charisma Carpenter, easily became one of my favourite characters from the Buffy-verse. That's why the downfall of her character, and the reasoning behind the downfall, really upset me. 

*Spoilers for Angel and mentions of abuse ahead* 

Last year, actor Ray Fisher came forward with allegations against Joss Whedon for creating a toxic work environment on the set of Justice League. I'm not familiar with Whedon's work in the DC universe, so for the most of this post, I will be focusing on his work in the Buffy-verse. However, it's crucial that we also remember the bravery of Fisher and other actors for standing up to Whedon. After Fisher came forward, Charisma Carpenter posted that Whedon verbally abused her on the set of Angel, especially after she told him she was pregnant before filming the fourth season. The result, was that Whedon killed Carpenter's character off in season four, by giving her a huge downfall in which she commits some heinous acts, all while under the extremely under-developed guise that she was possessed by another being. All of the growth that Cordelia went through is un-done, all because Joss Whedon decided to take it out on Carpenter. When I first got into Buffy, I was still in high-school, so I didn't know of these allegations. It's only been recently during my re-watch that I've come to recognize why Whedon made the writing decisions that he did, and it has made it extremely difficult for me to reconcile my love for all things Buffy, with the asshole who made it all. 

First and foremost, it is our duty as consumers of media to believe victims when they come forward with allegations of abuse. Recently, Whedon came into the public eye by doing an interview with the Vulture, where he pretty much denies all allegations and chalks a lot of his previous faults down to addiction issues. I'm not going to re-circulate the interview because I think it just gives Whedon more publicity. However, an important thing that I want to point out is how insensitive it is that he admits he has addiction troubles, and yet he uses those troubles to excuse the fact that he is also just a shitty person. Addiction is a mental illness, and people struggling with addiction can commit acts that they will later regret and want to take back. There is always room for people with addiction to heal, and to work towards redemption. However, Joss Whedon doesn't seek that redemption for himself. Instead he calls his victims names, and makes them sound stupid for even saying their piece in the first place. He makes people with addictions all sound like monsters, which is not the case. If you are struggling with addiction, you are worthy to heal. Joss Whedon does have an addiction, and he has every right to heal himself from that addiction. However, at the same time, he needs to take accountability for his actions, which he continues to fail to do. 

I love Buffy. I think it is a brilliant show, and its spin-off Angel is also a fascinating exploration on how to redeem oneself from the past. Whedon created some great shows, but I no longer want to give credit to him. Instead, I give credit to the actresses that made these shows great: such as Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Charisma Carpenter. While Whedon has been lifted up as this pillar of feminist tv, we as viewers have forgotten that at his core, he is a misogynist. He has not grasped the concepts of feminism, and the concepts of redemption that his characters represent. All he was concerned about was exploiting the idea of feminism to uplift himself. If Whedon really cared about his female characters, he would've given their actresses more respect. 

I suffer a lot from morality OCD, and a large component of that is me overanalyzing media I consume to make sure that it is completely unproblematic in subject matter and in the people who made it. Recently I've been struggling a lot with wanting to watch Angel, but also not wanting to give Whedon more money. I understand that we cannot do everything perfectly in life, and I can enjoy the show and the work that Carpenter does on the show while also recognizing that Whedon is not a great creator. It is through posts like these when I am able to get my more deeper feelings out, and realize that a show that I really love had a bad person behind it. I can enjoy a show and also recognize its problematic past, the two can exist at the same time. But when I see Whedon get more publicity through a magazine spread, that doesn't sit right with me. I think all of us Buffy fans can continue appreciating the universe for what it is, and the comfort that it brings us, but there is no need for us to honour Joss Whedon just because he created the world. 

I feel as if this post is very much an info-dump of some pent-up feelings I've been having the past couple of weeks in respect to watching Whedon content and struggling with all of the pain he has caused actors who I really appreciate. I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this post, but I guess I'll just leave it at this: Buffy and Angel are great shows because they demonstrated magical beings dealing with human issues such as misogyny, crime, and redemption. We can watch these shows and find comfort in the characters. But, I do not ever want to give kudos to Whedon for creating such a world, and I hope that soon he will recognize that his actions will never be forgotten by the fans. 

Do you watch Buffy or Angel? Did you read the Whedon article? What do you think about consuming media that has been created by problematic people? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: How Do You Keep Track of New Releases?

Every December I usually get some Indigo gift cards for my birthday and Christmas. (For those of you outside Canada, Indigo is our main bookstore.) Then on the day after Christmas, I go crazy buying books that I wouldn't normally purchase in a physical format. The thing that I've been noticing, especially this year, is that I never actually save my gift cards for when there's a new release out later in the year that I know I will love. I don't even preorder books using the gift cards. Mainly the reason for this is, that I never can keep track of when new releases are coming out. Part of this problem comes from forgetfulness, and part of it is me being impatient and just wanting to spend the gift cards right away. However, I do think I need to come up with a better system of how to keep track of new releases, so I know just when to wait to buy books, and what to wait for. 

I do read fellow book blogger's posts throughout the year, when people share what upcoming releases they're excited for. But I don't think bookmarking these posts and returning back to them would help with my forgetfulness. I would simply forget to check back on the posts. Putting reminders in my phone on new releases doesn't seem practical, as I try to reserve reminders for really important things. I just don't think at the moment I'm that great at marking down throughout the year what books are coming out and why I should wait for them. Mainly I'm appealing to those of you who do make posts documenting releases you're excited for, and I want to know how you get your information and how to remember what to look out for. 

I do often see upcoming releases through author announcements on Twitter, but again, these announcements often go in my one ear, and out the other. For example, I know that author Mark Oshiro is coming out with a new Nico and Will story as a part of Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson universe, and I know that when that book comes out, I would like to be in the loop. However, I can't seem to find a system that'll give me news as soon as it happens. 

I suppose that finding out a new book has been released through blog posts and buzz on Twitter isn't all that bad, as sometimes the surprise of realizing that a book you know you'll love has now been released is a welcome surprise. However, I would love to have this information before I spend all my gift cards on other books, and I just need to find a better way on how to get this information. 

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post. I think I'm really just looking for some organizational help from fellow book bloggers. What are some simple things I can do to know when new releases are approaching? Are any of you as forgetful as I am? What is your most anticipated new release of 2022? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: My Five Problems with Dark Academia

 CW: this post will discuss themes that may be triggering, such as sexual assault, torture and murder 

I've hinted before that I do not like the genre of dark academia, and a post detailing my top five problems with its spark in popularity has been long overdue. But before I go into full-on rant mode, I think it's important to break down the definition of dark academia. To be honest, I'm not sure anybody truly knows what dark academia means. From what I gather, dark academia is a sub-genre of books and other media that involves sinister happenings and overall darker themes while in the setting of an academic institution. The setting can either be a high school, college or university, and usually there is some sort of murder or crime committed within the walls of the institution that the main character is tied up in. However, this definition is not clear-cut, as dark academia can also be used to describe the general aesthetic of old libraries, sweater vests, and even themes of Greek mythology. The point is, dark academia has been taking the book world by storm. People like to feel thrilled by the mystery of a crime committed in an educational setting. My problem with the genre lies in its handling of readers who are easily triggered, as well as many other problematic elements that are consistent across a lot of the books. So without further adieu, let me detail why I cannot stand this genre: 

1. The books tend to be very elitist and classist.  

I find that dark academia lends itself to themes of higher education and an interest in things like Greek mythology and old English literature. Now as someone who loves Greek mythology and is pursuing a literature degree myself, these themes are not what irk me. What bothers me about dark academia books is that they tend to push the narrative of very wealthy characters who have a "holier than thou" approach because they are attending prestigious institutions. These characters come from the utmost privilege, and they never seem relatable to me, the average person reading the book who struggles in school and doesn't always win favour of a high-profile professor. Dark academia can sometimes push the narrative that attending a super-expensive post secondary institution is glamorous and desirable, while ignoring the fact that sometimes people cannot afford these institutions, or simply don't want to attend them. I find that the aesthetic ignores the harm that these institutions can do to people financially, in favor of a mysterious aesthetic. 

2. The genre is so incredibly white and heteronormative 

There is a long way to go to make dark academia a diverse genre. Books like The Secret History by Donna Tartt (see rant review here), feature some of the most racist, homophobic and downright offensive characters I have ever seen. But, instead of shining a spotlight onto why these characters are bad and what can be done to give justice to the people affected, these characters are lifted up to be "troubled," "mysterious," figures who we're still supposed to root for. Some dark academia books such as The Ancient Nine by Ian K. Smith have started to feature people of colour in leading roles, but these books still have their problems. The Ancient Nine fails to take into account the racist history of academic institutions, and has many transphobic elements. See Jesse's review here for more information. I long for the day when dark academia will be diverse without capitalizing off of the trauma of marginalized people, and without giving me problematic characters that I'm supposed to root for. 

3. Dark academia can be so incredibly triggering. 

Most dark academia books deal with some incredibly harsh topics, such as assaults, torture, usually murder, and the list goes on. I'm not saying that authors shouldn't write about harsh topics because it may be triggering to readers. People have the right to read and write whatever they want. However, so often, dark academia just seems to be a trauma dump in which more and more disturbing content is forced onto the reader, to the point where I at least have to skim through parts, or just dnf the book all together. I think it's important to talk about dark themes in books, at the very least to raise awareness. But when such heaviness is put into a book that it almost seems like the author is just doing it for the dark aesthetic, well then that's when I have a problem. I want authors who write dark academia to be respectful of their audience and the different limits that they may have. Books should have a healthy balance between conflict and resolution. With dark academia, it seems to always just be running on conflict. 

4. The tone of the books are often pretentious and boring 

This is more of a style critique than a theme problem. Dark academia books have to push this idea that the characters have a high interest in education and studying. But because of this, the tone of the books often end up feeling like I'm being lectured at by a highly pretentious English professor who just thinks that they're better than me. I get that authors need to get across how into education these characters are. But when it gets to the point where the book is not at all easy to read, then I just wonder why I'm putting myself through all of this trouble. I have found every dark academia book I've read to feel like a chore, as the books are usually super long and extremely boring, almost like reading a university textbook. I don't know if the authors feel the need to flaunt how much education they have by info-dumping, but it just needs to stop. 

5. The characters end up adopting extremely unhealthy behaviours that's overlooked. 

Along with committing crimes and being just generally shitty people, a lot of the characters in dark academia tend to engage in seriously harmful behaviours such as drinking and driving, alcoholism, drug use, and more. In addition to this, mental illness is usually an issue that authors try to tackle, but it ends up being done in an extremely insensitive way in which characters are either criminalized because of their mental illness, or the author unloads a whole lot of trauma onto the character that is then projected onto the reader who may be struggling with mental illness as well. I feel like characters never actually work through their trauma or see the errors of their ways, instead the books end on these angsty and dark notes in which nothing seems to be resolved, and I just feel like I've wasted my time. 

These are the main reasons why I don't think I will ever make it through another dark academia book. However, I also understand that a lot of people love this genre and this aesthetic, and I will never project my opinions onto someone else. I don't hate or think bad about anyone who reads or writes dark academia, I just personally can't get past these issues whenever I read it. I believe that if you don't like something, simply don't read it but don't shame others who do. So, that's what I'm going to do with dark academia. But, I also would love to see if these issues are brought up as the genre continues its popularity, and maybe, if we could get to some sort of solution. Maybe there is a perfect dark academia book out there, that I just haven't found yet. 

Do you like or dislike dark academia? I'd love to hear your thoughts! 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: How I Choose What Book To Read Next

Hello everyone! Today's post is going to be a discussion that I feel like there are a lot of mixed opinions on: how I choose what book to read next. I think that everyone's got a different method as to deciding what books they're going to read and in what order. My method may be a bit odd to some. But, I'm mainly writing this post because I find my method a little bit boring, and I'm looking for ways to shake up how I read. I would love to hear your opinions as to how I can make choosing my next read as enjoyable as reading is. 

I'll start off by saying that I don't exactly relate to the idea that I have tons of unread books on my shelf and I can't choose which one to read next. Books can get pretty expensive in Canada, and so if I buy a book, I'm buying it because I absolutely want to read it. Books that I buy physically will most likely get read first, because it's rare that I have brand-new physical copies in my possession. I make the most use out of my online library when I'm not buying my books, which now leads me to my method of deciding what book I want to borrow online. 

My method mainly is... that there is no method. However, this is why I say that I need to make things more interesting. I have a few favourite book genres that I've bookmarked on my online library, mainly pertaining to YA. Most often I will go through the YA romance and YA social themes categories, and I will just scroll until I hit a book that I've seen buzz for online, or that catches my eye either through the cover or who the author is. The problem with this method is that I don't necessarily go for lesser-known books or indie authors, as I tend to let my focus on buzz and well-known authors win the battle for what books get chosen. This is partly my fault, and I do think that I should broaden my horizons as to what books I go for. However, my library also doesn't do the best to highlight lesser-known books, so I would like some ways to get around this issue. 

Another thing that does sway what book I will borrow is diversity. At least for myself, if a book doesn't have at least one element of diversity in it, then I won't pick it up. I prefer to go for books that are OwnVoices, however I understand that the OwnVoices discourse is very complicated nowadays and I also don't like to assume somebody's identity or go digging for something that may be private. That being said, sometimes I will do research on an author whose book catches my eye, to make sure that they seem like they're respectful and conscious of the subject matter that they're writing about. 

So diversity and book buzz aside, I would like to find a way that will make choosing a book at the library a little more fun. This is because my reading tends to stay a bit more in my comfort-zone, as I choose books that I know are hyped, or that only pertain to my favourite genres. I do watch booktube and get some recommendations from there, but as a whole, a big chunk of my reading just comes from sticking to what I already know. I would love to experiment more with unique tropes, different genres, and different types of characters. I think I need to refine my technique (or lack thereof) to make this possible. 

One of my favourite booktubers, Jesse @ Bowties and Books, sells TBR cards in which you can pick your next read based on a fun category that the cards bring up. This is one way for me to make reading a bit more fun. However, I'm also open to other options, and I'm genuinely curious as to what you guys do to make your tbr fun. Or, are you like me, stuck in an endless cycle of scrolling through a library app? 

Please share your thoughts with me. I'm looking for ways that are library friendly, cost effective, and most importantly, fun. If you know me in real life, you know that I love games, so any way I can turn reading into a game is perfect with me. 

How do you choose what books to read next? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: The Fetishization of M/M Romance And Representation That I Need To Read More Of

 

CW: this post will discuss fetishization of m/m romance, lesphobia, homophobia and transphobia 

If you're on book twitter, then you might have seen the horrid post that someone put on booktok, explaining that they loved author Casey McQuiston's book "Red White and Royal Blue" because they were "attracted" to the two male protagonists and their romance, however they hated McQuiston's new f/f novel "One Last Stop" SIMPLY because the protagonists were two women in a relationship. This post rightly pissed me and a lot of people off. For more info on this matter, you can view this twitter thread. 

The fetishization of m/m romance by straight women has been going on since forever. These novels typically get a lot of publicity and become staples on people's bookshelves. I cannot tell you the amount of times that I've seen someone recommend "The Song of Achilles" on booktok. However, the same cannot be said for sapphic romances. Books with f/f romances are usually not as popular amongst the booktok (and in other book communities) crowd. It's saddening to me that people aren't recognizing McQuiston's talent as a writer with their new novel just because it's f/f. Straight women tend to fetishize m/m romances because their homophobia continues to see gay men as only existing for their entertainment, and they only see gay men as hypersexualized people. This could also be tied to the "gay best friend" trope, in which straight girls in movies in tv tend to have a flamboyant gay male best friend, which leads to many straight girls in real life wanting this for themselves. 

Similarly, there's the fact that drag queens are usually more popular amongst straight girls than drag kings, and trans performers don't get nearly the same publicity as cis-gendered performers. This fetishization will only continue the more us straight readers only read from one group. Now don't get me wrong, there are amazing m/m romances out there, and it is CRUCIAL that we continue to read these, especially from queer BIPOC authors and trans authors specifically. However, we cannot only read m/m romances and call ourselves well-read. We need to give f/f romances the same attention. This discussion has only prompted me to think about the representation that I could read more of, and I want you to think about this as well. 

I have found that for myself, my bookshelf is severely lacking in books featuring trans women protagonists. I have a plethora of amazing books with trans men in the leading roles, such as "Cemetery Boys" by Aiden Thomas, "Felix Ever After" by Kacen Callender, and "Stay Gold" by Tobly McSmith. However, to this date, I can only think of author I've read from who features trans girls in leading roles, and that would be Akwaeke Emezi. Now this is nobody's fault but mine. There are trans and non-binary authors out there who are writing books with trans girl protagonists, however I have pushed myself to read the books that are more in the spotlight, which are typically books with trans men. This goes back to the fetishization discussion, as these books often feature m/m romances. 

I came to the realization that I needed to expand my reading of trans women protagonists a while ago. However, when I googled recommendations, the results that came up pointed me to a few trans women authors such as Meredith Russo, however the books still recommended to me were mostly along the lines of Cemetery Boys, Felix Ever After, and more books with trans men. I LOVED these books, but they're not what I'm looking for currently, and its frustrating when I google specifically to find more books with trans women characters, and the results point me to a general post about books with trans characters, that always offer me the popular m/m books I've already read. I'll also mention that most of the trans women authors that come up in results are white. Seriously, one of the authors recommended to me on google was Caitlyn Jenner. Not exactly what I'm going for. 

I did do some digging, which is of course my responsibility, and nobody else's. We cannot expect trans and queer people to do the work for us. I am looking forward to reading from Meredith Russo, April Daniels, and anything Casey McQuiston puts out next. However, I know that these authors are white, and I need to expand my reading far beyond reading just from white trans women and white non-binary people. Akwaeke Emezi is a fiercely talented non-binary Black author, but their works are quite heavy for me and I prefer books in the contemporary realm. So, I'll keep looking, but I also would like for publishing agencies and people in the book community to understand that m/m romances and trans men are not the only LGBTQ+ books out there. Straight people cannot call themselves allies when they only look out for one group. 

This was a bit of a rambling post. Basically what I'm trying to get at is that fetishization of queer men needs to stop, Casey McQuiston and other authors writing sapphic novels deserve the world, and there is always room for improvement in how we read. I am looking forward to reading some great sapphic novels in the future, especially featuring trans women as the protagonists. If you have any recommendations, please share them in the comments. I would be eternally grateful. 

What do you think about the fetishization of m/m romance? What representation could you read more of? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: Can Characters Be Redeemed?

 CW: this post will discuss racist characters 

I have a dilemma. So, I am currently enrolled in a short fiction writing class. For the whole year, we have had to write three short stories that appear in a cycle, i.e. they are all connected, and then for our final project we have to edit them so that they are polished. Now, my first two pieces were fairly easy to write. I had a teenaged Pakistani girl who was dealing with her white adoptive parent's racist microaggressions. In my third story, I wanted to write from the perspective of the girl's white mother. I wanted to explore the mother's background and why she ended up the way that she is. Now the problem that I have come into, is that I feel as if this final story gives the mother too much of a redemptive arc. And this is not necessarily what I intended. Now I am left with the problem of: can characters be redeemed? 

I understand that this is a loaded topic, so let me break it down. Basically, the white mother is racist. Through the third story I explore her family background and I reveal that her family life was very toxic and that her grandmother who raised her was very much racist as well. Now I had no idea my story was going to take off in this direction, but I ended up having the mother realize her racist behaviour was wrong and she vows to change. But, I was left very unsatisfied with this ending. I thought I gave the mother an unrealistic redemption and I didn't want to shift the focus from all the harm she caused, to: "look, this white woman is better now!" I'm struggling because I understand that racism is a systemic issue and I don't think I explored enough about this mother realizing that racism is ingrained in her identity. 

I'm just having trouble with where to go from here. You know when you feel like you have been writing a story for so long that you're just not sure how to resolve its problems? That's my feeling right now. I need to find some way to resolve my belief that this woman is too evil to be changed, but also the hopeful side that people can change. I'm just not sure if people can be redeemed from their actions, and if they can, how long would that take? Certainly not only in the 15 page limit I have. 

I want to believe that people can change. I think it is a very hopeful idea that some people can show remorse for their actions and strive to do better. I have seen it before. But, I'm just afraid that in my writing of this character, her redemption comes too soon. Or, her redemption doesn't give the characters who were harmed by her actions any justice. I don't want this story to just tie racism up in a little bow and pretend that it doesn't exist. But, I've gone so far and I am in a state of writer's block right now, that I'm just not sure how to resolve it. 

This is partly a rambling mix of my thoughts and partly a plea for help. What would you do? Do you think you can write characters to change, and if so, how long would this change take place? Would a time jump to show her progression help? Or, do you think I should take focused on the characters affected by her racism? Should I just throw the whole story away? Writing can be such a stressful task sometimes. 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: Sometimes it's Good to Take a Social Media Break

 CW: discussion of morality OCD, intrusive thoughts, compulsively using social media 

Recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I use social media. For example, in January, it was Bell Let's Talk Day, an annual initiative in which the Bell Media company donates 5 cents towards mental health charities whenever someone uses the hashtag #BellLetsTalk on social media. However, there have been a lot of recent controversies coming to light about Bell, mainly about how Bell exploits incarcerated Canadians. Still, millions of people shared the hashtag on social media, and I was pressured into doing the same. Even though I didn't want to, I saw the droves of people talking about how the hashtag still does good, and I just felt like I would be a terrible person if I didn't share it. And, this is a common scenario for people with OCD who use social media compulsively. 

I have a tendency to think that if I don't actively post on social media all the time about various issues, that I am a bad person. Now this is definitely my OCD at work. One of my main obsessions is being perceived as racist, homophobic, transphobic, or anything else. I am so petrified of messing up and hurting someone else. This is called morality OCD. My morality OCD has prompted me in the past to stay up much later than I should have, retweeting, sharing, and liking everything related to social justice because I think that if I don't speak out about these issues, then I am a bad person. 

Now, there is great importance in speaking up for what you believe in, and not staying silent while others suffer. However, my problem with social media activism is how often it can trigger folks like me to compulsively post and continue going down rabbit holes of every terrible thing that is happening in the world. And nobody should feel like they have to retweet and like every single thing, because it is simply not healthy to be surrounded by negativity on social media all the time. 

Now, it would be remiss not to mention that marginalized people such as BIPOC folks, LGBTQ+ folks, and disabled folks, sometimes have no choice but to take to social media to talk about harsh issues. The world has made it so these people do not always have safe spaces to gather and share their feelings, and so social media can be a great outlet for inspiring change and being with your community. However, I do think that it is important that we remember to take breaks, to take care of ourselves, and to log off once in a while. 

It is important to remember that social media activism is not the only way to get involved. We can read books, articles, listen to music, and of course volunteer in order to spread awareness. Social media is a fabulous tool, however I have a problem when people are quick to judge others for not speaking out about an issue. We simply do not know what people are going through, and maybe they just can't be on social media right now, or are not in the right headspace to be talking about harsh things. It isn't an excuse, it's just a way for people to take time to heal. 

I have had to take social media breaks in the past. These breaks are integral to my OCD, so that I ensure that I am not compulsively posting and so that I don't let my morality OCD get in the way of me enjoying life. Something that I've been trying to remember, which is also very hard, is that humans are flawed. We are bound to make mistakes. But how we respond to our mistakes, is even more important. 

So, I guess I just want to tell other folks with OCD that it's ok to put the phone down once in a while. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, and it doesn't mean you don't care. It just means you are taking time to heal yourself, so you can come back to your activism stronger than ever. 

How do you feel about social media activism? How do you balance social media? 

For additional reading: 

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/social-media-activism-drawbacks

Emily @ Paperback Princess