The Boy Who Could See Demons by: Carolyn Jess-Cooke

Genre: Contemporary 

Published: May 10, 2012 by: Little Brown 

Pages: 400 

Rating: 5/5 stars 

CW: schizophrenia, hallucinations, self-harm, suicide attempts 

Alex Connolly is a ten year old boy with a love for musical theatre and a deep loyalty to his single mother. He also has schizophrenia. After explaining to doctors that a demon named Ruen prompts him to do bad things, Alex is put into the care of child psychiatrist Anya. Anya has a special connection to Alex due to her own experiences raising a child with schizophrenia. However, Anya struggles to get Alex the help that he needs due to ongoing pressures from the mental health hospital in which Alex is admitted to, and her own memories of her daughter that she finds difficult to shake. As Anya learns more about Alex, she begins to question her own closeness to the case and whether or not she can help Alex while dealing with her own demons. 

This book is labelled as fantasy/horror on Goodreads, which I very much disagreed with. There is nothing fantastical in the literal sense in this book. This book shows a realistic depiction of schizophrenia and psychosis. Therefore, labelling the book as horror and fantasy I think stereotypes people with these experiences as villains, and I don't like that one bit. I did think that this book portrayed an interesting and realistic viewpoint of childhood schizophrenia. While Jess-Cooke notes in her author's note that she does not suffer with the disease, she cited every source and interview she used to consult on the writing of this book. I really did find myself empathetic for the characters and very much engaged with the plot. That being said, I haven't been able to find any own voices reviews of the book, so I suppose there are still some things remaining to be seen in terms of its content. 

The two main characters are Alex and Anya, and the book switches from their perspectives. All of Alex's chapters begin with the joke, as he has a very vivid imagination and a bit of a jokey personality. I always find it interesting to read a book from the perspective of a child, as I think the ways that authors take on the voice of the children can either make or break the book. In this case, I thought Jess-Cooke did a good job at capturing the voice of a ten year old, and also not making his mental illness his entire personality. Alex (despite having such vivid and visceral hallucinations), is not violent by nature. This distinction is extremely important. He loves to act, he loves his mother, and he is respectful and polite to all of the adults around him. He is not a villain. I think the author did a good job at making Alex not a stereotyped "creepy" kid. 

Anya was also a well-written character. She has some of her own trauma due to reliving her daughter's hallucinations through her treatment of Alex. That being said, she is a very good mentor to Alex and really advocates for him throughout the text even when others within the hospital choose to stereotype Alex or get in the way of his treatment. Watching Anya develop through the book as she begins to learn more about herself through Alex really allowed me to see how unique of a field childhood psychiatry can be. One must be extremely patient and sensitive throughout the entire process, and I overall though Anya had a great bedside manner. 

The book is definitely more character driven than world driven. However, an integral part of the text is that it takes place during The Troubles in Northern Ireland. This event does shape Alex's hallucinations and his relationships with the people around him. I thought this setting helped to drive the characters as I could see how life changing it could be for a child to witness such violence at a pivotal age. I don't know too much about The Troubles so of course I also learned more along the way as well. 

Overall, I loved this book. It is heavy, with a lot of difficult subject matter. So do take care of yourself while reading. There is a plot twist at the end that I didn't see coming, but I thought it was handled in a tasteful and respectful manner. If anyone can locate some own voices reviews before reading, I'm sure that'd be even more helpful. For now I will say that this book was enjoyable and a very important read. 

Have you read The Boy Who Could See Demons? What did you think? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: It's Been A While: Let's Talk Mental Health

 

CW: discussions of panic attacks and OCD-related harm intrusive thoughts 

Hi friends! I know I haven't blogged in a while, I kinda took an unexpected hiatus in February. In fact, I didn't even think I was going to write today because I've been overrun with schoolwork. It's now 10:00 at night, and I just had a panic attack. The truth is, the only thing I could think of that would make me feel better was blogging. So, I'm writing this on Thursday, and the post will probably go up tomorrow. This is my disclaimer that this post may not be well-executed lol. But in any case, blogging is therapy, so here we are. I guess I'm not proud of the fact that a panic attack led me back to blogging, but I will try to see this as a blessing in disguise. 

I've been very busy lately. Schoolwork is in crunch-time mode, and after my courses are over, I'll be working on my major research project for my masters degree. During that time, I'll also be going to my first academic conference in Montreal, which I am equally excited and nervous about. My supervisor is giving me a lot of amazing opportunities, and exciting things are on the way. However, with such excitement, also comes stress. Obviously I made the decision to hold off on blogging, and that was the right one to make. I am on track with my schoolwork, and will be talking with my supervisor tomorrow to begin preparations for my research project. But changes and new opportunities usually carry with them some nerves, and these changes have definitely been weighing on my mind. What I've noticed, is when I start getting stressed, whether it be unrelated to my OCD or not, my OCD starts flaring up. This is exactly what happened tonight. 

A bit of a recap since it's been a while since I've talked about this, but I suffer with harm OCD intrusive thoughts. I have constant, anxiety producing thoughts about harming people, and these thoughts cause me a lot of panic, usually sending me into a spiral. While I don't have fast-acting medication for the panic attacks, I do take an anti-psychotic that helps take the edge off. Yet, as any mental illness, it comes in peaks and valleys. Unfortunately, I almost reached my peak, and I haven't had this feeling in a significant amount of time. So, things do feel a little unnerving. However, am I disappointed in myself? Absolutely not. 

Usually when I have panic attacks, I cannot pull myself out of them and I end up crying in a family member's arms. But, this time, I decided to practice first some breathing that my therapist taught me: 3-2-4 breathing. After breathing, and reading one of the scripts I wrote out for myself when I get a bad specific intrusive thought (I have a million scripts), I actually started to feel a bit better! Now I'm writing, and I can feel my heart rate slowing, when I could have just as easily been at a full 10 on the panic attack scale right now. While I don't know what will happen after I shut the computer down, in this moment, I am a bit calmer. And I'm counting that as a win. 

After this, I think I'll either watch some Parks and Recreation or re-read Percy Jackson for the billionth time. Just self-care stuff. I guess I wanted to document this because I know many of y'all also suffer with panic and anxiety, and I think we could all do with sharing our wins with each other. Yes, I have very significant intrusive thoughts. Yes, the stress I have been under has caused me to think about those thoughts even more, which sent me into a panic. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. But for now, I had the energy to pick up my laptop and write. That is what I wanted to do. 

I was going to begin this post with apologizing if I sounded too "woe is me," or egotistical by talking about my win. But, now I realize that I found true value in writing this post. Stress can make our mental illnesses flare up, it's just the name of the game. But, what is making me stressed is also exciting opportunities that will help me throughout my career. So, I can also look upon these events with joy. While I may not know how I will feel in an hour from now, right now, I am peaceful. And if in an hour I spiral again, I will not beat myself up, I will look upon this moment as a win. And that's all I can ask for. 

Did you have a mental health win recently? Does your stress cause you to spiral? How many times have you read Percy Jackson? Talk to me! 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Every Last Word by: Tamara Ireland Stone

 Genre: Young Adult Fiction, Contemporary 

Published: June 16, 2015 by: Little, Brown Books for Young Readers 

Pages: 358 

Rating: 5/5 stars 

CW: Pure-OCD, intrusive thoughts, delusions, mention of suicide 

Sam is quite popular amongst her friends, but something she would never have the courage to share with them is that she suffers with serious Pure-OCD. Her OCD causes her to have very gruesome intrusive thoughts that she cannot turn off, and she just knows that nobody would understand. That is, until Sam meets Caroline, a quirky girl who introduces Sam to the Poet's Corner. The Poet's Corner is a secret club within Sam's high school where students can gather to share poems, songs, and just feel like they belong. Sam feels welcome in the Poet's Corner, and for once she feels like she could share anything. That is, until she beings to question what is apart of her reality, and whether she can tell Caroline about it. 

This book... damn this book. Have you ever read a book that you could just relate to so much, that it seemed like a letter written to you? That was me with this book. Stone was able to create a world that was so relatable to me, so vivid, that it felt like she was speaking directly to me. And this book was a hard read, certainly the main character Sam goes through some very harsh things. But I felt seen in her character. I felt like I wasn't alone. It was so powerful. 

First off, Stone accurately portrayed what Pure-OCD is like. Accuracy is so important when talking on any issue, and I can say that this book was accurate, at least to my experiences. Everyone's experiences with a mental health issue can be different, so it is always important to read a wide range of reviews on books. That being said, I do think that Stone did her homework on what Pure-OCD is like, and I loved how she dismantled stereotypes associated with OCD. She did powerful work in this story, and it was so needed. 

I loved reading about Sam's relationship with her therapist. Therapy can either be very hard for someone, or it can be a great benefit. But, I personally love reading positive therapist/patient relationships in mental health novels, because I have a great relationship with my therapist. I enjoyed getting to see Sam's progression with her therapist, and I could relate to her struggles with whether or not to share something with her therapist. But, her therapist was understanding and a great representation of a good OCD therapist. 

The Poet's Corner was a great addition to the book as well. I love clubs in books, but oftentimes those clubs actually turn into dark academia, which is not my vibe. But this club was so wholesome as it was just a safe space for students to gather and share their artwork. And I thought that was totally awesome! It made me so happy how Sam felt welcome in the club, and I also appreciated how this club shows how art can be a sort-of therapy for people. 

I was not expecting the ending at all. It came out of the blue for me, but I also appreciated it so much because learning something new about your mental illness can often hit you like a shock. I loved the ending because it revealed that living with a mental illness is not often black and white. And sometimes, you have to go through tough moments and really analyze your mind in order to heal. Sam struggles, but she is also so strong. And I needed to see that. 

This book does deal with some heavy-hitting topics, and the twist can be triggering to some people, so do be careful when reading this. However, if you are struggling with OCD and need to know that you are not alone, then give this book a read. It made me feel so validated. 

Have you read Every Last Word? What did you think? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Paperback's Pondering's: Sometimes it's Good to Take a Social Media Break

 CW: discussion of morality OCD, intrusive thoughts, compulsively using social media 

Recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I use social media. For example, in January, it was Bell Let's Talk Day, an annual initiative in which the Bell Media company donates 5 cents towards mental health charities whenever someone uses the hashtag #BellLetsTalk on social media. However, there have been a lot of recent controversies coming to light about Bell, mainly about how Bell exploits incarcerated Canadians. Still, millions of people shared the hashtag on social media, and I was pressured into doing the same. Even though I didn't want to, I saw the droves of people talking about how the hashtag still does good, and I just felt like I would be a terrible person if I didn't share it. And, this is a common scenario for people with OCD who use social media compulsively. 

I have a tendency to think that if I don't actively post on social media all the time about various issues, that I am a bad person. Now this is definitely my OCD at work. One of my main obsessions is being perceived as racist, homophobic, transphobic, or anything else. I am so petrified of messing up and hurting someone else. This is called morality OCD. My morality OCD has prompted me in the past to stay up much later than I should have, retweeting, sharing, and liking everything related to social justice because I think that if I don't speak out about these issues, then I am a bad person. 

Now, there is great importance in speaking up for what you believe in, and not staying silent while others suffer. However, my problem with social media activism is how often it can trigger folks like me to compulsively post and continue going down rabbit holes of every terrible thing that is happening in the world. And nobody should feel like they have to retweet and like every single thing, because it is simply not healthy to be surrounded by negativity on social media all the time. 

Now, it would be remiss not to mention that marginalized people such as BIPOC folks, LGBTQ+ folks, and disabled folks, sometimes have no choice but to take to social media to talk about harsh issues. The world has made it so these people do not always have safe spaces to gather and share their feelings, and so social media can be a great outlet for inspiring change and being with your community. However, I do think that it is important that we remember to take breaks, to take care of ourselves, and to log off once in a while. 

It is important to remember that social media activism is not the only way to get involved. We can read books, articles, listen to music, and of course volunteer in order to spread awareness. Social media is a fabulous tool, however I have a problem when people are quick to judge others for not speaking out about an issue. We simply do not know what people are going through, and maybe they just can't be on social media right now, or are not in the right headspace to be talking about harsh things. It isn't an excuse, it's just a way for people to take time to heal. 

I have had to take social media breaks in the past. These breaks are integral to my OCD, so that I ensure that I am not compulsively posting and so that I don't let my morality OCD get in the way of me enjoying life. Something that I've been trying to remember, which is also very hard, is that humans are flawed. We are bound to make mistakes. But how we respond to our mistakes, is even more important. 

So, I guess I just want to tell other folks with OCD that it's ok to put the phone down once in a while. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, and it doesn't mean you don't care. It just means you are taking time to heal yourself, so you can come back to your activism stronger than ever. 

How do you feel about social media activism? How do you balance social media? 

For additional reading: 

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/social-media-activism-drawbacks

Emily @ Paperback Princess

OCD Awareness Week: My Problems With the Word "Obsession"

 CW: This post will discuss obsessions and intrusive thoughts related to OCD, as well as ableist language related to OCD and other mental illnesses. 

If you're apart of fan culture, you've probably said the word "obsessed" before. In fact, I am guilty of this myself. "Omg, I am obsessed with Stranger Things," "this book has me obsessed!" "Here are my latest fall obsessions." The word is everywhere, and is very much used colloquially in day to day life. But, my relationship with the word has changed overtime. And now, I see it as more of a negative word, with negative connotations. This is all stemming from the fact that, if you have OCD, you know that the word "obsessed" is much more than simply liking a tv show. 

People struggling with OCD have to deal with many people mis-using language related to our disorder. The sentence: "I am so OCD" gets on my last nerve. It is insensitive, stereotypical, and nine times out of ten, the person using it does not have OCD or know anything about OCD experiences. If you're a neat person, that does not necessarily mean you have OCD. STOP USING THAT SENTENCE. But, a word that gets used very much in common language that I have started to have some problems with, is the word "obsessed." 

The truth is, many of the people using this term colloquially probably have never experienced what a real obsession is. Obsessions take over your life. They consume you. They cause you unimaginable stress. Liking avocado toast, or enjoying some new trends during fall, are not obsessions. For someone who sees obsessions as such a negative thing, this word being thrown around like it's no problem is a little hurtful. In fact, the dictionary definition of obsession says: "an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind." The word most important here is "intrudes." This denotes that an obsession is unwelcome. It is not positive. 

One of my largest obsessions right now is related to a tv show I like. But, these obsessions do not give me joy. I am constantly thinking about the people on this show. I feel the need to watch this show to ignore my problems instead of facing them. These obsessions have made me petrified that this show will take over my life, and so I have resorted to avoiding content related to this show, and the celebrities that I really love. Celebrities who I look up to, have now sent me into panic attacks. All because of an obsession. 

I'm not writing this to get any sympathy. Similarly, I'm not writing this expecting that this word will be completely taken out of everyone's vocabulary. I completely recognize that there are bigger problems than the use of this word. There are a lot more offensive words that people still use that harm groups of people, and those should be dealt with first. We should be ensuring that marginalized individuals with mental illnesses get the help they need, and we should be paying great attention to folks with lesser-known mental illnesses to ensure that they are not stereotyped. Using "obsession" is not the biggest issue at hand right now, I totally get that. 

However, I have been thinking a lot recently about how common mental-illness language appears in people's vocabulary. These words seem so simple to people who do not deal with these illnesses. People don't understand that for people with mental illness, these words become dirty. We don't want to hear them used as jokes, we don't want you to undermine them. 

I'm not sure how to go about a solution to this problem. Because like I said, I'm not expecting a word that is so commonly used to magically disappear. Please do not feel like I'm calling you out if you use this word, or that you're a bad person because you use this word, because that is not the case. I have used this word in the past as well. But, I do think it is important that we are more conscious about how the language we use affects others. We should be willing to listen, we should be willing to learn. As more people are working to break the stigma of mental illnesses, changes need to be made. If it does not consume your life and make your life extremely difficult, then you cannot be "obsessed" with something. Keep that in mind. 

For more information related to OCD, visit The International OCD Foundation 

Struggling with your mental health? Visit Mind Your Mind for Canadian and International Resources

Emily @ Paperback Princess

My Experiences with Pure OCD

TRIGGER WARNING: this post will discuss harm intrusive thoughts, OCD, anxiety and other potentially distressing content.

Where do I begin. I have wanted to do a post like this for a very long time. But, I never knew how to put what I was feeling into words. My intrusive thoughts told me that writing a post would simply be me craving attention, and so I shouldn't do it. But, more and more I have discovered that when you share your feelings, someone who might be going through the same thing may feel less alone. So this is me raising awareness about my mental illness: Pure OCD.

I knew I had anxiety for a while. For the past five years I have felt uncomfortable in social situations, nothing too severe, but enough for me to start therapy to just talk things out. This was about a year ago. My summer was awesome, and come the fall time, I was ready to start things fresh and and enter a new routine. And things were fine until after Christmas. In January of this year, I began experiencing "intrusive thoughts." These are basically obsessive, scary, disturbing thoughts that consume your mind and you can't shut them off. You know that you don't believe these thoughts, and you certainly know that you do not want to act upon them, but no matter what you do, they cannot go away.

My intrusive thoughts involved me hurting someone in my family. This caused me a lot of distress, because my biggest fear is turning into an evil person and I would never fathom hurting the ones I love. I googled my symptoms to see if anyone experienced the same thing. And that's when I came across Pure OCD and intrusive thoughts.

Pure OCD kinda goes hand in hand with intrusive thoughts. But the thing is, everyone experiences intrusive thoughts! Everyone has gotten a weird or anxious thought at least once in their life. It's part of what makes us human. But, when you latch onto the thoughts, you give yourself more anxiety, and thus, Pure OCD is born. You start completing compulsions to try and rid yourself of the thoughts. For me, this involves wishing on certain numbers for good luck, and praying every night that I will never turn evil, despite me not being that religious.

Soon I discovered a whole community of people who have the exact same experiences. We get flooded with anxiety-inducing images, end up having panic attacks, and at some point fear that we are one day going to go insane and have to be admitted to the hospital. Along with these thoughts, I got a lot of mental health anxiety. Fears of losing my personality, or losing empathy. I had to constantly seek reassurance from my therapist that I wasn't going to just snap one day.

In February, my mom moved in with me. I was afraid of being alone, and needed someone to talk to. Times with her got a little better. That is, until my doctor decided to put me on medication. I went on Lexapro, and my first week on it was the lowest I have ever been in my life. My intrusive thoughts were in full force, I was shaky and nauseous, and I felt so paranoid all the time. I got off of it, and spent about a month in relative peace. I finally felt normal again.

Then, social isolation happened. My family got back together, and we had to stay inside and not leave. The first few weeks were ok. But, slowly the intrusive thoughts were latching on again. I spent about a week in panic mode, feeling sick to my stomach all the time, but after a week I kinda got over it, and I spent a month being able to control the thoughts. Also, a big shout-out goes to Cee @ Dora Reads for majorly helping me through that week.

Last week, I got to the point where I decided I wanted to go back on medication. I talked with my doctor and we both agreed that I hadn't really give medication a full shot, and my body wasn't used to it yet. So, I went back on it. And, I finally felt like some good was happening. Until, I spiraled again. This morning, I started to believe that I would never get better, and that I would end up in a mental hospital because of my thoughts. It crippled me, but then I went on a walk with my dad, and shared all of the things I had pent-up in my head. It felt good to be free of that burden.

Which brings me to now. I'm still giving medication a go, but mostly I am tired of staying silent. I am tired of being ashamed of this illness, of keeping it inside because of embarrassment. This is a real disease that many people go through, but it is often looked at as simply "the germaphobe illness." Trust me when I say, I would much rather have some germaphobia than intrusive thoughts. I figured the only way to erase this stigma is to talk about it. To share my truthful experiences, and hope that others will either be educated, or find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in their own struggle. When my mother moved in with me, she told family members that I was just "feeling a little lonely." But, it was a lot deeper than that. I wish I could talk about this disease openly. I'm beginning to try.

I want to stress that I have good days and bad days. Most people do. Mornings are the worst for me, but normally I can get down from a panic attack come the afternoon. I have moments when I am cheerful, full of jokes, and free from thoughts. But being in isolation has made that a lot harder. My intrusive thoughts are harder to get rid of because I don't have as many distractions around me. But, I am slowly starting to open myself up to new hobbies, walking outside more, and just trying to stay a little less cooped up. There is nothing fun about staring at the same four walls all the time.

So, this is me. I am a sarcastic, Greek mythology-loving, reality tv-watching bookworm, and I have OCD. This does not make me a bad person, and reaching out is the first step to recovery. I am prepared to beat this disease, and never, ever take positive thoughts for granted. I am hoping that once this pandemic is over, I will appear stronger on the other side. I can do this, and you can do this. We're all in this together.

If you or someone you know is suffering from OCD, the following resources have helped me:

International OCD Foundation:
https://iocdf.org/

Support group for women with OCD/Intrusive Thoughts:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/732890380249784

Made of Millions:
https://www.madeofmillions.com/

Yes Theory:

Not an OCD resource, but a Youtube channel that has helped me to bring more positivity in my life and conquer fear:

https://www.youtube.com/user/PracProcrastination

Emily @ Paperback Princess

Disability Diaries: Challenger Deep by: Neil Shusterman!

I'm so excited to be taking part in the week long event Disability Diaries, which is showcasing disability diversity and why it's important to talk about it! A few lovely bloggers are hosting this event that runs until next Saturday, so make sure to check out their posts! As my contribution for the event, I'm going to be reviewing an amazing book that I just recently read, called Challenger Deep by: Neil Shusterman.

While brainstorming ideas of what I wanted to do for my post, I was reading a book called Challenger Deep. It turned out to blow my mind on how amazingly it dealt with mental illness, so I decided that raising awareness about this book was going to be my post. Everyone should read this.

Genre: Young Adult Fiction, Contemporary
Published: April 21, 2015 by: HarperCollins
Pages: 320
Rating: 5/5 stars

Caden Bosch and other members of a crew of sailors are heading out on a ship set sail for challenger deep, the deepest part of the Marianas Trench. Caden's job is to draw everything that they discover along the way. However in reality, Caden is not on a ship. He is not going to challenger deep. He is a high school student suffering from schizophrenia and anxiety, and he has been sent to a mental health facility to get better. As Caden goes about nine weeks of therapy, a cocktail of drugs, and new friends with their own battles, Caden in his mind, is setting sail for the adventure of a lifetime. And nobody understands but him.

This book blew me away in how it was executed. Not only did it handle mental illness in a way that was so raw and so real, but it was also incredibly unique in weaving Caden's psychosis into the storyline. It had a very mystical tone to it, while still staying true to the theme.

The book contains a lot of drawings drawn by Caden, as he is on his ship. These were such a unique touch and the author's note at the end explains the pictures in further detail that will leave you surprised and speechless. They were there for a reason, and that reason, was beautiful.

This book is so real. It touches upon not only a variety of mental illnesses, but also about medication, family struggles, and even how to heal. I don't think this book was a very triggering book because it is more about showing that healing is possible, but obviously always be cautious when approaching any mental health book. I loved reading about Caden's healing process and how it was effected by the other people at the hospital.

Overall, I think this book handled the issues at hand brilliantly. This was the first book about schizophrenia I've read, and it was done in a way that showed hope, that showed highs and lows, and showed that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I fell in love with the overall metaphor of this book and I hope you will too.

Have you read Challenger Deep? What did you think?

That's it for my disability diaries post! Check out all of the other ones too!

Emily @ Paperback Princess