Friday 15 May 2020

My Experiences with Pure OCD


TRIGGER WARNING: this post will discuss harm intrusive thoughts, OCD, anxiety and other potentially distressing content.

Where do I begin. I have wanted to do a post like this for a very long time. But, I never knew how to put what I was feeling into words. My intrusive thoughts told me that writing a post would simply be me craving attention, and so I shouldn't do it. But, more and more I have discovered that when you share your feelings, someone who might be going through the same thing may feel less alone. So this is me raising awareness about my mental illness: Pure OCD.

I knew I had anxiety for a while. For the past five years I have felt uncomfortable in social situations, nothing too severe, but enough for me to start therapy to just talk things out. This was about a year ago. My summer was awesome, and come the fall time, I was ready to start things fresh and and enter a new routine. And things were fine until after Christmas. In January of this year, I began experiencing "intrusive thoughts." These are basically obsessive, scary, disturbing thoughts that consume your mind and you can't shut them off. You know that you don't believe these thoughts, and you certainly know that you do not want to act upon them, but no matter what you do, they cannot go away.

My intrusive thoughts involved me hurting someone in my family. This caused me a lot of distress, because my biggest fear is turning into an evil person and I would never fathom hurting the ones I love. I googled my symptoms to see if anyone experienced the same thing. And that's when I came across Pure OCD and intrusive thoughts.

Pure OCD kinda goes hand in hand with intrusive thoughts. But the thing is, everyone experiences intrusive thoughts! Everyone has gotten a weird or anxious thought at least once in their life. It's part of what makes us human. But, when you latch onto the thoughts, you give yourself more anxiety, and thus, Pure OCD is born. You start completing compulsions to try and rid yourself of the thoughts. For me, this involves wishing on certain numbers for good luck, and praying every night that I will never turn evil, despite me not being that religious.

Soon I discovered a whole community of people who have the exact same experiences. We get flooded with anxiety-inducing images, end up having panic attacks, and at some point fear that we are one day going to go insane and have to be admitted to the hospital. Along with these thoughts, I got a lot of mental health anxiety. Fears of losing my personality, or losing empathy. I had to constantly seek reassurance from my therapist that I wasn't going to just snap one day.

In February, my mom moved in with me. I was afraid of being alone, and needed someone to talk to. Times with her got a little better. That is, until my doctor decided to put me on medication. I went on Lexapro, and my first week on it was the lowest I have ever been in my life. My intrusive thoughts were in full force, I was shaky and nauseous, and I felt so paranoid all the time. I got off of it, and spent about a month in relative peace. I finally felt normal again.

Then, social isolation happened. My family got back together, and we had to stay inside and not leave. The first few weeks were ok. But, slowly the intrusive thoughts were latching on again. I spent about a week in panic mode, feeling sick to my stomach all the time, but after a week I kinda got over it, and I spent a month being able to control the thoughts. Also, a big shout-out goes to Cee @ Dora Reads for majorly helping me through that week.

Last week, I got to the point where I decided I wanted to go back on medication. I talked with my doctor and we both agreed that I hadn't really give medication a full shot, and my body wasn't used to it yet. So, I went back on it. And, I finally felt like some good was happening. Until, I spiraled again. This morning, I started to believe that I would never get better, and that I would end up in a mental hospital because of my thoughts. It crippled me, but then I went on a walk with my dad, and shared all of the things I had pent-up in my head. It felt good to be free of that burden.

Which brings me to now. I'm still giving medication a go, but mostly I am tired of staying silent. I am tired of being ashamed of this illness, of keeping it inside because of embarrassment. This is a real disease that many people go through, but it is often looked at as simply "the germaphobe illness." Trust me when I say, I would much rather have some germaphobia than intrusive thoughts. I figured the only way to erase this stigma is to talk about it. To share my truthful experiences, and hope that others will either be educated, or find comfort in knowing that they are not alone in their own struggle. When my mother moved in with me, she told family members that I was just "feeling a little lonely." But, it was a lot deeper than that. I wish I could talk about this disease openly. I'm beginning to try.

I want to stress that I have good days and bad days. Most people do. Mornings are the worst for me, but normally I can get down from a panic attack come the afternoon. I have moments when I am cheerful, full of jokes, and free from thoughts. But being in isolation has made that a lot harder. My intrusive thoughts are harder to get rid of because I don't have as many distractions around me. But, I am slowly starting to open myself up to new hobbies, walking outside more, and just trying to stay a little less cooped up. There is nothing fun about staring at the same four walls all the time.

So, this is me. I am a sarcastic, Greek mythology-loving, reality tv-watching bookworm, and I have OCD. This does not make me a bad person, and reaching out is the first step to recovery. I am prepared to beat this disease, and never, ever take positive thoughts for granted. I am hoping that once this pandemic is over, I will appear stronger on the other side. I can do this, and you can do this. We're all in this together.

If you or someone you know is suffering from OCD, the following resources have helped me:

International OCD Foundation:
https://iocdf.org/

Support group for women with OCD/Intrusive Thoughts:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/732890380249784

Made of Millions:
https://www.madeofmillions.com/

Yes Theory:

Not an OCD resource, but a Youtube channel that has helped me to bring more positivity in my life and conquer fear:

https://www.youtube.com/user/PracProcrastination

Emily @ Paperback Princess

16 comments:

  1. Thank you Emily for being so brave in sharing this and being vulnerable on the internet. I totally agree with you that when people share these kinds of experiences, it helps others to feel less alone.
    I hope it’s some sort of a relief for you to talk about this as well.
    I’m sorry to hear about your struggles - I wish no one had to go through anything like this. I hope that you get some success from medication. I had a not-good-but-not-that-bad experience with one last year (for anxiety) but since have found some that works better for me. Hopefully your future is filled with more good days than bad <3

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    1. Thank you so much Sabrina <3 Honestly it is a huge relief speaking out about this. There's a level of embarrassment and shame that I think comes with mental illness, but being open feels so much better. I'm glad you've found a medication that works for you! It is trial and error sometimes to find the best one. Wishing you all the best :)

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  2. Emily, you are going to make me cry! I have OCD, too. I have since I was a little kid and while it is not so severe now as it was during my middle and high school days, it still causes me a lot of anxiety. Mainly, I tend to suffer a lot from extreme perfectionism related to my OCD, which tends to worsen during the school semesters. I finally went on the same medication you tried/are trying in the fall and it has so far been a positive experience for me. If you ever want to talk, I would love to. And thank you for such a wonderful post.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story, Erin! I’m glad your OCD has gotten better. It is a tough battle to fight, but we can do it :)

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  3. Thank you for sharing all this, Emily. You mentioned having some mental health issue at times, but this post is the real thing, and I didn't expect your pain to go so deep and be so strong. I've not known you for long, but you struck me as an intelligent and sociable young woman, even by your posts and comments alone. You're much more than your OCD, and no, it doesn't get to define you. I'm glad you felt you could open up with us, and I'm sure this post did/will do a world of good to everyone who's experiencing the same thing. I'm also glad you have two awesome parents that get you and do their best to help you. I hope you'll find the right medication and be finally able to find some balance in your life. For now...{hugs}!!!

    P.S.: I'm sharing this post in my next TYT installment!

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    1. Thank so for your kind words, Roberta! It means a lot to have such a great support system. (Both online and in the physical!) And thanks in advance for sharing my post. My only hope is that I can reach out to as many sufferers as possible.

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  4. Em, you're totally amazing and I love this post!!!!!!!!!

    (And thank you so much for the shout-out - you didn't have to, but thanks so much!!!! My DMs are there if you need 'em! Just remember the time difference, and that I only check Twitter once or twice a day.)

    And I don't know whether it'll help, but for what it's worth, you are a sweet and beautiful person with a lotta talent and a good head on your shoulders!

    Sorry it took me a few days to get round to reading this - I had some deadlines for work this week!

    You're totally awesome, keep on rocking Em! <3 <3 <3

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    1. Thank you SO MUCH Cee! You have no idea how much it means to me that you literally have never even met me and yet you seem to care so much about my mental well being! Thank you for being a great friend!

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    2. Em, I'm pretty sure it's only geography stopping us from being IRL friends at this point - we've spoken to each other almost every day for the past few *years.*

      You are def. a friend (and a pretty good one, #JustSaying), and **def.** worth caring about!!! :)

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    3. Haha, so true! You’re pretty awesome yourself <3

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  5. Thank you for being open and speaking up! That's a brave decision and I hope one that you don't regret. We certainly need more people who dare to talk about their issues - this is the only way that we can understand each other. If you ever feel like you need someone to listen to you, please feel free to contact me. I'll be more than happy to help you in any way I can :)

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    1. Thanks Konna! Judging from how kind everyone has been, I don't regret my decision at all :)

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  6. Kudos to you for being brave enough to talk about your mental health. And I'm so glad that you've had people to talk things through with because you need that support in addition to medical help. I hope that you can find the right treatment for you!

    Nicole @ Feed Your Fiction Addiction

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  7. <3<3<3 You are so brave and inspiring, and if you ever need anything let me know!!
    It takes so much to talk about things and especially do a post about it, you're so beautiful and kind so whatever thoughts scare you and can be overwhelming- just know that there are people that find it so encouraging that you were willing to share your story and that they need to hear that they're not alone! <3
    Also I am now in tears, but I will keep you in my prayers!!

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    1. Thank you so much, Noel! I didn’t mean to make you cry :( But honestly it means so much to me that you care about me. Everyone has been so sweet! Hugs <3

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