Paperback's Pondering's: Writing Update

Paperback's Pondering's is a weekly discussion when I take a topic and well, ponder about it! This week, I'm pondering writing, and where I want mine to go from here.

For those of you who don't know, I participated in NaNoWriMo last November. I finished my book, and decided to get it bound properly with won of the winning coupon codes. Included in the package, was publishing, in which people can purchase my book in ebook form to review. However recently I have decided, that I do not want it published... yet. Let me explain:

I spent years imagining what life would be like when I published my first novel. I wanted it so bad. I even expected to do it when I started NaNoWriMo. However as time went on, I began to get quite self conscious about my book. That is, I didn't know if it was any good.  It's very awkward reading your own book, and you nit-pick every detail to ensure it makes sense. To be honest, there's still a part of me that is scared that my book is far from perfect.

I obviously know that anyone who reads this book isn't going to bash it's mistakes, but I can't help but wonder what they're thinking. I see such amazing plots and characters of other people's books, and I can't imagine my book ever comparing to them. It's a matter of being very self conscious.

I would never dream in a million years right now to send this book to a publisher. That is, I am almost certain it would be rejected. Why you ask? To be honest, I don't know. I put my heart and soul into this book, I took care to edit, but I compare myself to every other writer on the planet. I just don't think I'm good enough.

There's also the problem of writing a book in one month. You feel very rushed and pressured, there's very little planning involved, and everything just seems very overbearing. I feel like now, I would much rather write a book over a longer period of time before publishing it.

Nobody has read my book, and I don't really want anyone to read my book right now. I have the full copy now, and it was so surreal to be honest to see it so professionally done. But this is something that I just want to do for me right now. I think I just need more time to ponder really over if I'm completely confident about this book.

A lot of people have been asking for an excerpt, and I think that's all I can manage right now. It's amazing how many of you have been caring about this, and congratulating me. It gives me more confidence. So, deep breathes, here it is. But this is probably all anyone's going to get from this book:

Synopsis:

Everyone thinks that Augusta Abney is dead, about to be unplugged after a decade of immense suffering. That is, until she wakes up. Some are intrigued by her stories of a different world she seemed to have travelled to while asleep, but other's find her to be threat to their corrupted city's traditional ways. Can Augusta figure out the truth behind her world, or will she realize that the life she thought she had been living, has all been in a dream? 

When I woke up, everything was white. There were white walls, white beds, and I was covered by a white bed sheet. Haven’t these people ever heard of some colour?  I crane my neck to peer over my bed frame, but I find myself too scared to move. Where is my school, where is Akilah, and how come I’m lying in this bed? Then, all of Ms. Levesque’s teachings hit me. What if, this is the Old World? She always told me that the Old World was not diverse and as rich in culture as Arcanus, and this definitely seems like just that. But, why I am I here? Surely, this is just a dream, and that I’ll be able to wake up and tell everyone that I have experienced the past. I pinch myself, once, twice, nothing. This is all too peculiar, all too strange. And somehow, it seems all too real. 

*cringes* That's it! Really though, thank you to everyone both back in November, and now, that cheered me on and have been incredibly supportive of my writing experiences. Hopefully, I'll find the courage to post more in the future. 

Have you ever felt self-conscious about your writing? Do you have any published books? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess