Dancing with the Octopus by: Debora Harding

Genre: memoir

Published: August 27, 2020 by: Bloomsbury 

Pages: 384 

Rating: 5/5 stars 

CW: kidnapping, sexual assault, PTSD, familial abuse 

Debora Harding grew up in Omaha Nebraska, with a temperamental mother and an absent-minded father. In the winter of 1978, she is abducted a knifepoint and held for ransom by a man who will show no remorse for his crimes as Debora's life continues. While Debora is rescued and her captor is persecuted, her young adult life is forever changed not only because of her assault, but because of her parents' lack of concern for the PTSD she may be suffering. As Debora moves into her adult life, she begins to undertake a project to meet with her kidnapper in order to attempt to bring herself some closure from a life not only corrupted by a terrifying assault, but also significantly impacted by her absent and abusive parents. 

I picked up this book on a whim from the library in the "true crime" section. I am incredibly weary of true crime texts because I think the general public's obsession with reading about other people's trauma should be looked at critically. But something about the title of this book, and the cover, intrigued me. I am always willing to read a memoir, so I figured I'd give it a shot. I was amazed at Debora's intelligent prose, her willingness to integrate dark humour into an incredibly traumatic story, and most importantly, her ability to highlight that her assault and kidnapping were not the only abusive events she encountered in her childhood. I think Harding is an incredible writer, and I would encourage all those who enjoy memoirs to give this one a read. 

I am pretty receptive to dark humour within texts. But, a book that manages to integrate dark humour into a crime involving kidnapping and assault seems daunting. Harding's humour may be tough for some to digest. But, I could really see how humour was used by her as a coping mechanism as she tried to deal with her trauma without any help from her family. When her family wasn't there, humour allowed for her to escape from all of the harsh realities of her current situation. I admired Harding's willingness to be open about such a difficult time in her life in the events after her kidnapping, and her humour I think helped for me to see just how seriously she was neglected by her family after her assault. 

Harding characterizes her kidnapper, and her parents, with honest portrayals that is needed in order for the reader to see how serious her situation was. She absolutely does not sugar-coat anything, and she often refers to her kidnapper as a "fucking asshole," and recounts in visceral detail the insensitive and victim-blaming statements her mother said to her after her assault. These statements are difficult to get through, and I would encourage everyone to go through the content warnings and approach this book with caution. It is tough. However, I can see that through writing this book, Harding was able to hold nothing back because she was told to hold everything back within her childhood. This book gives her the ability to unload her trauma when her parents would rather have had her forget about it. If you can get through these harsh portrayals, then you can really see why using visceral details is therapeutic for Harding. 

A key moment in the text that I found was handled with sensitivity and incredible intelligence is when Harding talks about the race of her kidnapper. Harding was kidnapped by a Black man, and as a white woman, she is very much aware of the conversations that arise when considering racial stereotypes and crime. Harding's explanation is thoughtful and very informative. She acknowledges the stereotypes that Black men face when it comes to crime, and she also explains how Black people are disproportionally incarcerated in US prisons. She also recognizes that this man happened to be Black, but cautions readers against making her crime an example that these stereotypes are true. I don't think Harding had to discuss race at all in her book, but the fact that she took the time to explain racial stereotypes and how her kidnapper's crime does not invite readers to perpetuate harmful stereotypes was incredibly thoughtful. 

Overall, this book was a shocking, deeply personal account of what happens in the aftermath of a crime to victims who do not have familial support. I think Harding's story is one that everyone who is interested in true crime should read, as this book shows that behind the glamourization of criminals within popular culture, there are real victims whose lives are anything but entertainment. 

Have you read Dancing with the Octopus? What did you think? 

Emily @ Paperback Princess